Taking the Anxiety Out of Divorce for Your Child in 10 Steps

Experts agree that anxiety among kids is a very common thing: 1 in 8 will experience anxiety in some form or another during childhood. What causes this anxiety? Well, some children may experience nervousness as a result of subtle changes in his or her environment. However, the overwhelming majority of children become anxious as a result of stress related to major life events. With over half of the marriages in America ending in divorce, it doesn’t take a statistician to figure out the most common life event that causes anxiety in children.

If you and your spouse are going forward with divorce, you may feel too upset, ashamed, or nervous to discuss it frankly with your children. But avoiding the topic will only make your child’s nervousness worse. Children fear what they don’t understand and cannot control. If you take the steps to understand your child’s nervous fears and discuss the issues frankly, you will be giving him the support he needs to work through your divorce positively. Following are ten steps you and your spouse should take to ease your child’s anxiety about divorce:

1. Listen to your kid

Begin any discussion of the divorce by allowing your child to voice his concerns about it. Once he begins to talk, make sure you are really listening to what he’s saying. It may be that your child is more concerned about some aspect of the divorce that you never even considered.

2. Help him express his emotions

Often, parents feel immediately defensive and put up their hackles when their children begin expressing their feelings about the divorce. But remember that encouraging your child to give vent to these emotions is better than letting them keep it all bottled up inside. If your kid can’t begin to express his emotions, then try to help him find the right words to express how he’s feeling.

3. Allow him to be frank

Again, don’t try to censor what your child is saying. It may hurt your feelings, upset you, or make you feel sad. But allow your child to be completely honest with you about how he’s feeling. By speaking these emotions aloud, your kid will overcome a lot of the anxiety that is plaguing him if he keeps these emotions inside.

4. Allow him to have his own feelings

You will need, at some point, to give your child the space he needs to have his own emotions. When this happens, you need to still give him a shoulder to lean on, and support him in any way he needs, but also back off and allow him to process his own emotions from there. Older children may need more “emotional space” than younger ones.

5. Clear up any confusion

Often, children are confused about what a divorce means for them personally, and for the family as a whole. He may not understand the concept of “custody” and may begin to worry that he will never see one parent again. Be sure when discussing the divorce that you are clear and concise. If your child has questions, answer them as frankly as possible.

6. Have patience

Remember that dealing with divorce can often seem like a cyclical process, especially in kids. Just when you think an issue is resolved and all the answers have been put to rest, your child may suddenly pop up with another anxiety or need reassurance in some way. Though it may be difficult, muster all the patience you can over the coming months. You will have to answer countless questions and provide constant reassurance to your child through the entire process.

7. Offer reassurance

As we mentioned above, you will need to provide your child with constant reassurance. You and your spouse will need to go beyond the workaday assurances and make a special effort to reassure your child with loving words. Remind your child that he is in no way responsible for the divorce, and that both parents love him deeply. Tell him over and over again that both parents will be there for him after the divorce. Though it seems repetitive, keep these cycles of reassurance going.

8. Be honest with your kid

As your child reveals the anxieties and questions he has, try to answer them as truthfully as possible. If you still aren’t sure of the answer, let him know that you will try to find out the truth. Children can spot subterfuge and avoidance at ten paces, and both can trigger a cycle of nervousness in susceptible kids. So try, as much as you can, to be frank and truthful with your child about life during and after the divorce.

9. Offer physical reassurance

Hug, hold, and console your child as often as you can during this crucial time period. Studies show that comforting physical touch from one human being to another can help lower blood pressure, lower the pulse, and promote a sense of calm. As often as your child will let you, be sure to show him how much you love him with a hug or a pat on the back.

10. Both parents should stay involved

Remember that parenthood never ends with divorce. Make sure that both spouses, no matter what the circumstances are surrounding the divorce, continue to stay involved in each child’s life. Even after the divorce, when both parents are living apart, having both parents actively concerned in his life will help keep a child balanced and stable.

Divorce can be an extraordinarily emotional time for everyone in the family. Parents can feel especially frustrated and confused as they try to resolve their own emotional issues while protecting their children. But a self-help treatment program that works to combat anxiety issues can help both you and your child deal with stress effectively.

Using the steps outlined above as well as the stress-busting techniques offered in a self-help regimen, both you and your child can make it through the period during and after the divorce feeling much more positive and much less anxious than you could ever have thought possible.